One funny thing. We thought it would be a good idea to go to the Waikiki zoo twilight tour. We went in, and it's a really nice zoo. Beautiful. So we go to the first animal, the flamingo, and no shit, our tour guide spends fifteen minutes talking about the flamingo. Finally he says, okay, let's move to the next enclosure. So everyone gets moving, and then he says, before we do, I'd like to talk about some of the trees you see around us. Ten minutes. By this stage, kids are getting sulky, adults getting pissed off, and Junko and I are wondering who to ask for a refund. So then we get to the elephants, which are cool, but we spend fifteen minutes at the elephants, and after that, another fifteen minutes at the monkey enclosure. One hour, three animals! We went to see the hippos, which was really good. Nice and close to the hippos, and the kids liked that. By the time we go to the climax of the tour, the tigers, it was too dark to see them, and it had started to rain. "Everybody come to the classroom!" cried the tour guide, and we all ran to a nearby building for some shelter. The classroom? I thought. That doesn't sound good. And sure enough, we got in there, and the guide pulls out some plastic skulls of various animals and starts teaching us about them. The whole tour had an evangelistic feel to it, like we were all poachers or something, and it was their job to teach us about animals and how to love them. We had some biscuits and drink while we waited for the rain to stop, and Will and I started feeding biscuits to the skull of a tiger and munching them with it's jaw until another guide came over to tell us to stop. Then she taught Will about molars and canine teeth. We don't want to learn, we just wanted to see the animals! I'm actually going to write a complaint letter.
Every one in Hawaii needs to lose 5 kilos. At least. Some people need to be detained immediately and made to lose 50 kilos. I saw a lot of fat children. 12 year old kids with guts and double chins. Messed up. Every second add on TV is selling shit food, and every other add is for some pill or ab machine. Crazy times.
I ate pretty well while I was there. I didn't even have any Burger King! I did have a few packs of chips though. A couple of beers, too. I did a workout at the gym next door. At first I felt pretty stupid doing the Chest, Shoulders & Triceps routine in the gym, but then I looked around and saw that the people sitting around on the machines doing their leg presses were flabby fucks. Except for one guy who was huge, singing with his walkman on. Gyms suck, don't they. I saw the P90X infomercial one night, which motivated me to hit back hard when I got going again. I've got a rest scheduled today, then back into it tomorrow, in the morning.
There were plenty of homeless people living in the parks. Much more than last time. Gimme a nice tent, and I would love to live homeless in Hawaii. If I was single and had a good job, hell yea. The only problem would be the other homeless people, who rant and rage around Waikiki, punching bins and swearing and carrying on. Lots of them around. They are so melodramatic, homeless people. Everything's a scene. I had to laugh. I was sitting on the shore near a homeless guy, and this skinny, pale stoner dude walks up to this guy and says "Case dismissed!" and does a little dance. Awesome first sentence.
I couldn't understand anything anyone in the shops said to me. Either they were mumbling and not looking at me so I wasn't even sure they were talking to me or their co-worker, or they were from somewhere else and couldn't really speak English. I went to subway, and at the checkout the guy said "Cabulautyudsu sandwich?" "What?" "Cabulautyudsu sandwich?" "Yes, it's a sandwich" I said, and paid for the sandwich. I dunno. I did say "what?" a lot.
Anyway, I haven't even talked about Tiger's press conference or the Masters yet. Never mind, I will.
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