Japanese TV

Most Japanese TV is crap. People always think it's awesome because of some of the stuff they've seen on Youtube, and I'm telling you it's not.
But there are exceptions. There was a show I used to watch a few years ago by a comedy duo called London Boots. It's a late night show, really funny. I managed to download one of them recently, and I'll run you through it. Probably the best TV I've ever seen.
The show, London Hearts: Idol Trap, goes like this. A woman writes into London Boots, wanting them to test if her boyfriend is a cheater or not. So they set the guy up. They arrange it so this guy, Nobuyuki, happens to run into a guest celebrity, someone who the girlfriend says Nobuyuki likes, in this case a young starlet called Sakura Uehara. She is wired up, and she has an earpiece so the comedian can tell her what to say. There are hidden cameras everywhere.

Sakura Uehara

In the studio for this episode, you've got the two comedians with the girlfriend in between, and a couple of other celebrities with them. One guy, the older guy, Masaki Kanda, is an actor, and he's not really impressed with what they are doing. "I never watch this show," he says. "Don't like it." "Do you think you can stay till the end?" they ask him? "I'll stay until I want to leave."

So Nobuyuki goes out with a mate to a bar/restaurant and order a beer each, then Sakura and her manager arrive and sit next at the next table. His friend leaves to go to the toilet (he is in on it), and her manager leaves to make a phone call, and they are alone. He looks over, and double-takes. Shit, it's Sakura Uehara! To his credit, he does not hesitate. "I've seen you on TV, you're really good" etc.

They start talking, and she really turns on the charm, and touches his arm when she laughs. He gives her his friend's beer when the drinks they ordered come. "How old are you?" she askes. "23." She is a couple of years older that him. "Do you like older women or younger women?" she asks. "I've never been out with an older woman, but I'd like to try," he says.
Cut to his girlfriend, who is 25 too.
She says that she's sad because lately she's so busy she can't have any fun, and ends up asking him for his mail address. Then her manager comes back, and says that something has come up and they have to go, and they leave. Nobuyuki's friend comes back, and he tells him what happened, he just met Sakura and she wanted his number, and his friend is like "Bullshit!" "Look!" says the guy, "her lipstick's still on your beer!" He obviously can't believe what just happened.

3 days later, they've set up a fake photo shoot for Sakura in a park at night, and she mails him. "Are you busy? I'm bored. Come and cheer me up," she sends. So he comes, watches the photo shoot, and then they sit and chat. Very friendly.

 

Fireworks go off in the distance (all set up by the show). Very romantic and sweet. He tells her of his dream to train dolphins and do a dolphin show. "You would be the first person I'd let swim with my dolphins," he says. His girlfriend says "He told me the same thing!"

"On my next day off, I want to do something fun," Sakura says. "I want to go to an amusement park." "I'll take you," he says. So, they are going to go on a date! He can't believe it! Neither can his girlfriend!

 So the big evening comes, and they meet outside an amusement park. This is kind of a typical first date in Japan in summer, like going to dinner and a movie or something. The girl usually wears a summer kimono, and Sakura does, and he is wearing a men's Summer kimono, called a jinbei. They ask his girlfriend if he owns a jinbei. No, she says. He must have bought it for this date.

They walk around, and go on a roller coaster. They hold hands walking up the stairs! She is scared, he comforts her. It's all wonderful. Then the comedians bring in the Otaku Fan, an actor posing as an extreme fan of Sakura.

Japanese celebrities like her must have thousands of fans like this guy. Total nerds, but kind of perverted, too. Everyone hates them. So he approaches them as they are sitting and talking, and wants to take a picture of Sakura. As he is taking the picture he says, "Sakura, could you squeeze you breasts together a little?" "Hey!" yells the guy. The Otake is also wired, with the comedian telling him what to say. "Could you undo your kimono and show me a little skin?" "Hey!" the guy yells again, and chases the otaku off, slapping him in the face a few times. Then he grabs Sakura's hand and leads her away from the otaku. Briliant.

 

Then they go to a ferris wheel.

They get to the top, and the ferris wheel stops. Sakura pretends to freak out a little, and he hugs her close, telling her not to panic, it'll be okay.

[Danger!!]

The girlfriend can't watch. The studio guests are loving it, but are a little uncomfortable. This getting is dangerous, they say. The older guy looks disgusted.
Then it's a chat on a park bench. They get really close, and he puts her arm around her.

Do you have a girlfriend? (Mind you, everything she says is what she is told to say by the comedians.)

No, but I'd like one.

[Isn't this getting a bit dangerous?]

Please make me your girlfriend.

Will you go out with me?

[Unprecedented Reverse Love Confession!!]

There is pandemonium in the studio.

Sakura: So what do you want to do now?

Nobuyuki: I want to go to your house.

Then he moves in for the kiss.

[State of Emergency!!]

She pulls back, and pretends she's upset. "I'm an old fashioned girl!" she said. "What made you think you can kiss me?" she asks.
"Your lips were inviting me," he says.

They get a taxi back to her house. They had a camera car trailing the taxi, but they couldn't get one inside, so Sakura pretended she was a little flustered and insisted on sitting in the passenger seat reclined with the window down while the guy sat in the back. An uneventful trip, by all accounts. They aren't really going to her house, they are going to an apartment set up by the show with cameras and mikes everywhere. By the time they arrive, she's feeling better.

She changes, and he sits sipping a drink, looking around, thinking he's gonna get laid with this celeb hottie - it's like a dream. That's what they are telling the girlfriend back in the studio. Don't be too upset, it's a dream, it's a dream.

So she comes out and they have a drink, a little shy. They flirt some more. He's waiting for the right moment...

Then they send in the dream breaker. Masaki Kanda, the older guy. He is pretty famous as an actor in tough, gritty cop dramas in the 80's. Pretty scary. They send him into the apartment (the studio guests are actually set up the apartment next door).

He just walks in without knocking, yelling"Oi! Oi! Sakura!" Sakura jumps up, scared. "What are you doing here? Why didn't you call first? Are you drunk again?"

Nobuyuki gets up and immediately grabs his phone and wallet, ready for the quick exit.

[Preparing to escape!!]

Masaki comes in. "Who's this guy?"

"A friend. I wish you had've called."
Masaki sits down. "Get me a beer!" he yells to Sakura. "You, sit down!" he says to Nobuyuki. They sit down. Really awkward.
They exchange greetings. "How many times have you met Sakura?" Masaki asks. "2, 3 times," he says. The guy asks the Masaki, "Are you two seeing each other?" "Yes," says Masaki. "Have been for 2 years." Sakura brings in two beers. "No snacks?" Masaki yells, and she races back into the kitchen.

[No snacks?]

They have a sip of beer. Awkward! Then the older guy says, "Okay. The dream is over. Piss off."

"All right, piss off!!"

"Okay," says the guy. And he leaves. Shattered, of course, but probably glad to get out of a really awkward situation. Not a good scene in there.
...only to find his girlfriend, cameras, and the studio guests waiting outside the apartment! Holy shit!

He can't believe it, obviously. The girlfriend is pissed off, "What do you think you're doing?" etc, they joke about him trying to kiss her in public, ask him what his favourite moment was ("The ferris wheel").
Then he apologises to his girlfriend, then to everyone.

Incredible stuff, obviously not possible in Australia or America or anywhere. I don't think I have ever laughed so much in my life watching a TV show. I remember watching it when it was on in 2003, and they did this kind of stuff every week for ages. It was brilliant. When you imagine the planning, the preparation, everything they do to get it all on camera. Often, in other episodes, they had five or six phones set up, all mailing each other, all thinking they were mailing this hot celebrity chick or guy, when really it was these two comedians. It was a huge hit in Japan. They are still on, but not so bold now. Can't blame them.

The Kim is dead

Dear Leader, perhaps the greatest golfer who ever lived, is dead. And have a look at these people carrying on.

I love the guys who pound their fists on the ground, like they can't believe it! Like it's not fair! Don't think for a minute that it's genuine. It's a show for the neighbours. If it's anything like Japan, which I think it is, they'll have a schedule for crying, with overseers with clip boards stamping the names off of the mourners who grieve adequately, and a gold star for those who really turn it on. And then you have the true believers who say "look how much I'm crying!" and everyone else worried that they are not crying enough in comparison. Mind you, if your neighbour can dob you in and have you shot for not crying sufficiently, it's probably a good idea to cry. Cry for your own ignorance and cowardice for letting it get this bad, you North Korean fools. Cry for that. Someone should have put a bullet in that guy's head a long time ago. And someone should put one in the head of his fat ugly son, too, before it really gets out of hand. I bet Toyota and Foxconn and Apple and Nike can't wait to have a go at these people. What a pliant, gullible, weak, passive lot they must be. Pay them with rice.
Meanwhile, here in Japan, this morning it was my department's turn to turn up to work half an hour early and line up outside the entrance and yell "good morning!" to all 600 workers who enter. I didn't, of course. I am much too cool to do that. Really, I'm serious. I am too cool to do that.

So close, yet...

Here's what's happening. Thursday lunch I get a call from the guy about a job I applied for two months ago. Translator and interpreter at a Japanese-owned factory in Melbourne. "They just called me and they want someone, and I thought of you" he said. "Got a webcam?" I said I would get one. When can you be ready for an interview? Tomorrow morning? I felt like he was thinking more that afternoon, but I was at work, and it was almost 3 in the afternoon in Melbourne anyway. Okay, tomorrow morning, he said. Let me call them. So he called them, and called me back. Tomorrow at 1 okay? 1 your time. Ok, I said. I applied for the next day off, bought a webcam and set it up that night, and went over what I was told to expect. Short translation test, chat with someone in Japanese. My stomach was churning all night and all morning, and in the morning I went to immigration to get a return visa just in case - three weeks ago I went there to renew my visa (it had expired two weeks previously, and I thought I would be going to jail, but no dramas in the end). Did that, came home. Put a shirt on, tried to go over what I should say if they ask me the usual interview questions. So I get through to a HR lady with Skype, and she sends me two documents to translate, one E to J, and one J to E. The J to E was really easy, stuff I do in my sleep here at my work, like "Problem: a strange noise coming from the left gasket. Countermeasure: Clean and lubricate gasket." Thing was, is was about twenty sentences, a lot of stuff just to type, so it took 15 of the allotted 20 minutes I had to do both. The E-J was easy too, but of course it's harder because I'm not a native J speaker, and I never have to do this at work, but I managed. Sent them back a little late. Then the lady comes back with a Japanese woman, and she asks me a few questions in Japanese, like what do you do in your job, can you interpret, can you start next week? What? They want me to work a week, then come back, then if everyone is happy to give notice to my company and start there after the Christmas break. Until June. Any chance of the position becoming more permanent? I asked. No, not really, they said. Hmmmm. "Something you might want to think about when making your decision," said the HR lady. I took that as, "I wouldn't accept this job if I were you".
The interview basically fell on it's arse about this point. Double whammy of next week start and five month contract. I didn't say no, but I was definitely thinking it. Ah well, nevermind, maybe next time, all that stuff. Then I said goodbye, kind of relieved that I did well, but kind of flat, too, of course. Then the guy calls and asked me how it went. I told him about the temporaryness of it. Mate, he said, this job will get you to Australia. And frankly, if they like what you do, they're not going to let you go and work somewhere else. Happens all the time. And if not, you've got five months to find another job, and you'll have me helping you. You don't have to stay at this place if there's a better opportunity. Much easier to find a job when you're living in the same country it's in. Plus, this place is the biggest factory in Australia. Looks good on the resume. He was very persuasive.
I spend the weekend going back and forth. The first thought I had every morning when I wake up was "No". The last when I went to sleep, "Yes". I don't know what to do.
So after talking to lots of people, this is what I decided to do (as of now, Monday morning). I might not have done as well as I thought in the interview. Maybe I'll be knocked back. But I don't think so. I expect I will get a call today. Yep, they want you, can you start next week? Contract until June. I will say "Yes." See you next week. I will go and work there for a week. What I hope to find when I get there is that I am the best Japanese reader, translator, and speaker, with more experience dealing with Japanese people than anyone else there. The Japanese lady said they need someone for next week because they are expecting visitors from Japan, and they need a translator. It sounds like they have no-one there who can do it. Of course, this lady could do it, but she's a woman, and in Japanese culture, women are people who are there to make tea and giggle. I can do it, though I don't know how well. So I want to go there, show that I have something to offer, that I can fill a need. After that, if they still want someone after their little emergency has been solved, I might say that I want a one-year contract with a three-month probation period, with an eye to permanency. I did, after all, fly in at a week's notice and help them out (I would get paid, of course, but still). If they agree to that, I did it. I got a job in Australia. But if I go there and I feel like I am in over my head, like I'm interpreting at high level meetings and shit like that that I cannot do, and/or there's no movement on the five-month thing, I think I'll say, sorry, maybe next time, please call me when there's something a little more permanent and I'll be down in a flash.
At the moment, I have all the time in the world to find a job. If I accept this five-month deal, I have five months to find a job or I'm unemployed. Why put myself in that position? Unemployed in Australia? Been there, done that. Not much fun either.
After a lot of thinking, this is the best path to take, I think. It has been really helpful to talk to people about it, because I have a tendency to hastily rule stuff out and then not reconsider it. At first I thought, nup, next week, can't do it. Maybe after the Christmas break? But I had a coffee with Nori and he said "How about go next week, and if you like it, go again after Christmas if you want. You will know exactly what's going on, and you can make the decision then. If you don't like it, don't go, or hopefully they will really want you, and you can ask for something a little more solid.
Fuck! Perfect! I hadn't considered it. Before I met Nori, I was ready to reel off all these... demands, really. Like "I'm not going before Christmas. I want a one-year contract" etc when all they would be hearing is "no". Now I can say "yes", and then decide "No" later if I want to with a lot more understanding of what's in store for me, and I'm sure with some goodwill saved up, too, which wouldn't hurt.
...
Monday evening, no call, no mails. Still the same answer, but Jesus I'm sick of waiting for mails or calls from this guy. Tomorrow, hopefully.
Tuesday morning, still no contact. Checked on the internet, not many flights left to Melbourne on the weekend.
Tuesday evening. Just turned 5 in Melbourne. Nothing.
I'm guessing someone has popped out of nowhere and pipped me. When I say nowhere, I mean Melbourne. OR, they are just really slack at responding to stuff, which has been the case in the past.
BTW Tiger won again, didn't he. Not much of a tournament, a charity event with 17 players in it. Not a real tournament. The man is scum, but jeez he can hit some pure golf shots. He played awesome at the Presidents cup, especially the last round, just killed Baddelly who played well too. Hard to beat a 65 though.