Japanese TV

Most Japanese TV is crap. People always think it's awesome because of some of the stuff they've seen on Youtube, and I'm telling you it's not.
But there are exceptions. There was a show I used to watch a few years ago by a comedy duo called London Boots. It's a late night show, really funny. I managed to download one of them recently, and I'll run you through it. Probably the best TV I've ever seen.
The show, London Hearts: Idol Trap, goes like this. A woman writes into London Boots, wanting them to test if her boyfriend is a cheater or not. So they set the guy up. They arrange it so this guy, Nobuyuki, happens to run into a guest celebrity, someone who the girlfriend says Nobuyuki likes, in this case a young starlet called Sakura Uehara. She is wired up, and she has an earpiece so the comedian can tell her what to say. There are hidden cameras everywhere.

Sakura Uehara

In the studio for this episode, you've got the two comedians with the girlfriend in between, and a couple of other celebrities with them. One guy, the older guy, Masaki Kanda, is an actor, and he's not really impressed with what they are doing. "I never watch this show," he says. "Don't like it." "Do you think you can stay till the end?" they ask him? "I'll stay until I want to leave."

So Nobuyuki goes out with a mate to a bar/restaurant and order a beer each, then Sakura and her manager arrive and sit next at the next table. His friend leaves to go to the toilet (he is in on it), and her manager leaves to make a phone call, and they are alone. He looks over, and double-takes. Shit, it's Sakura Uehara! To his credit, he does not hesitate. "I've seen you on TV, you're really good" etc.

They start talking, and she really turns on the charm, and touches his arm when she laughs. He gives her his friend's beer when the drinks they ordered come. "How old are you?" she askes. "23." She is a couple of years older that him. "Do you like older women or younger women?" she asks. "I've never been out with an older woman, but I'd like to try," he says.
Cut to his girlfriend, who is 25 too.
She says that she's sad because lately she's so busy she can't have any fun, and ends up asking him for his mail address. Then her manager comes back, and says that something has come up and they have to go, and they leave. Nobuyuki's friend comes back, and he tells him what happened, he just met Sakura and she wanted his number, and his friend is like "Bullshit!" "Look!" says the guy, "her lipstick's still on your beer!" He obviously can't believe what just happened.

3 days later, they've set up a fake photo shoot for Sakura in a park at night, and she mails him. "Are you busy? I'm bored. Come and cheer me up," she sends. So he comes, watches the photo shoot, and then they sit and chat. Very friendly.

 

Fireworks go off in the distance (all set up by the show). Very romantic and sweet. He tells her of his dream to train dolphins and do a dolphin show. "You would be the first person I'd let swim with my dolphins," he says. His girlfriend says "He told me the same thing!"

"On my next day off, I want to do something fun," Sakura says. "I want to go to an amusement park." "I'll take you," he says. So, they are going to go on a date! He can't believe it! Neither can his girlfriend!

 So the big evening comes, and they meet outside an amusement park. This is kind of a typical first date in Japan in summer, like going to dinner and a movie or something. The girl usually wears a summer kimono, and Sakura does, and he is wearing a men's Summer kimono, called a jinbei. They ask his girlfriend if he owns a jinbei. No, she says. He must have bought it for this date.

They walk around, and go on a roller coaster. They hold hands walking up the stairs! She is scared, he comforts her. It's all wonderful. Then the comedians bring in the Otaku Fan, an actor posing as an extreme fan of Sakura.

Japanese celebrities like her must have thousands of fans like this guy. Total nerds, but kind of perverted, too. Everyone hates them. So he approaches them as they are sitting and talking, and wants to take a picture of Sakura. As he is taking the picture he says, "Sakura, could you squeeze you breasts together a little?" "Hey!" yells the guy. The Otake is also wired, with the comedian telling him what to say. "Could you undo your kimono and show me a little skin?" "Hey!" the guy yells again, and chases the otaku off, slapping him in the face a few times. Then he grabs Sakura's hand and leads her away from the otaku. Briliant.

 

Then they go to a ferris wheel.

They get to the top, and the ferris wheel stops. Sakura pretends to freak out a little, and he hugs her close, telling her not to panic, it'll be okay.

[Danger!!]

The girlfriend can't watch. The studio guests are loving it, but are a little uncomfortable. This getting is dangerous, they say. The older guy looks disgusted.
Then it's a chat on a park bench. They get really close, and he puts her arm around her.

Do you have a girlfriend? (Mind you, everything she says is what she is told to say by the comedians.)

No, but I'd like one.

[Isn't this getting a bit dangerous?]

Please make me your girlfriend.

Will you go out with me?

[Unprecedented Reverse Love Confession!!]

There is pandemonium in the studio.

Sakura: So what do you want to do now?

Nobuyuki: I want to go to your house.

Then he moves in for the kiss.

[State of Emergency!!]

She pulls back, and pretends she's upset. "I'm an old fashioned girl!" she said. "What made you think you can kiss me?" she asks.
"Your lips were inviting me," he says.

They get a taxi back to her house. They had a camera car trailing the taxi, but they couldn't get one inside, so Sakura pretended she was a little flustered and insisted on sitting in the passenger seat reclined with the window down while the guy sat in the back. An uneventful trip, by all accounts. They aren't really going to her house, they are going to an apartment set up by the show with cameras and mikes everywhere. By the time they arrive, she's feeling better.

She changes, and he sits sipping a drink, looking around, thinking he's gonna get laid with this celeb hottie - it's like a dream. That's what they are telling the girlfriend back in the studio. Don't be too upset, it's a dream, it's a dream.

So she comes out and they have a drink, a little shy. They flirt some more. He's waiting for the right moment...

Then they send in the dream breaker. Masaki Kanda, the older guy. He is pretty famous as an actor in tough, gritty cop dramas in the 80's. Pretty scary. They send him into the apartment (the studio guests are actually set up the apartment next door).

He just walks in without knocking, yelling"Oi! Oi! Sakura!" Sakura jumps up, scared. "What are you doing here? Why didn't you call first? Are you drunk again?"

Nobuyuki gets up and immediately grabs his phone and wallet, ready for the quick exit.

[Preparing to escape!!]

Masaki comes in. "Who's this guy?"

"A friend. I wish you had've called."
Masaki sits down. "Get me a beer!" he yells to Sakura. "You, sit down!" he says to Nobuyuki. They sit down. Really awkward.
They exchange greetings. "How many times have you met Sakura?" Masaki asks. "2, 3 times," he says. The guy asks the Masaki, "Are you two seeing each other?" "Yes," says Masaki. "Have been for 2 years." Sakura brings in two beers. "No snacks?" Masaki yells, and she races back into the kitchen.

[No snacks?]

They have a sip of beer. Awkward! Then the older guy says, "Okay. The dream is over. Piss off."

"All right, piss off!!"

"Okay," says the guy. And he leaves. Shattered, of course, but probably glad to get out of a really awkward situation. Not a good scene in there.
...only to find his girlfriend, cameras, and the studio guests waiting outside the apartment! Holy shit!

He can't believe it, obviously. The girlfriend is pissed off, "What do you think you're doing?" etc, they joke about him trying to kiss her in public, ask him what his favourite moment was ("The ferris wheel").
Then he apologises to his girlfriend, then to everyone.

Incredible stuff, obviously not possible in Australia or America or anywhere. I don't think I have ever laughed so much in my life watching a TV show. I remember watching it when it was on in 2003, and they did this kind of stuff every week for ages. It was brilliant. When you imagine the planning, the preparation, everything they do to get it all on camera. Often, in other episodes, they had five or six phones set up, all mailing each other, all thinking they were mailing this hot celebrity chick or guy, when really it was these two comedians. It was a huge hit in Japan. They are still on, but not so bold now. Can't blame them.